dr_conscience | [45th consult; voice]

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[45th consult; voice]

I suppose I should preface this by saying that I don't remember the specifics of any conversations I had, the last time I posted to the Network. If I did, I would be saying this personally to each individual I spoke to, but... well, I can only hope that anyone I did speak to will understand.

What I can say is that I am sincerely sorry to anyone I said anything at all rude or inappropriate to. I realize that I wasn't in control of my actions at the time, but I don't think that serves as adequate justification to simply not acknowledge that it happened. So if I said anything to you while under the influence of that... being, then I apologize.

[private to House]

We should go out... take advantage of the apparent lack of apocalyptic situations. I won't even push for karaoke.

[ooc: asdfasdsa I developed some con plague after Otakon please forgive spottiness/slowness, backtags will come <3]

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Does that scenario actually work for you?

What, apologizing to people I may have offended?

Feeling better after apologising for something you don't remember.

The point isn't really to make me feel better.

Yes it is. That's the point of any apology. Expressing that you feel bad about something.

No, it's not. Apologies are supposed to be made out of consideration for other people's feelings.

But, taking your theory into account? The fact that I don't remember specifics doesn't mean that I don't feel bad based on the general knowledge that I was apparently extremely rude to an unknown number of people. And to incorporate my own view, said rudeness has potentially upset a number of people, and I'd like to address that because I don't feel that my own lack of malicious intent invalidates their emotional response.

Are you going to care what they think if you don't feel bad? I'm not questioning the validity of wanting to soothe any egos you might have unwittingly dented. I'd just like to know if it's doing anything for you.

It's not an attack. It's a question.

I think it's safe to say that taking either away would probably cancel out the other. If I didn't care, I wouldn't feel bad. If I didn't feel bad, I wouldn't care. They're not unrelated responses.

So yes, it does something for me. I do feel better making the gesture inasmuch as I can.

Right. [And there's a long, drawn out pause.] Thanks.

[There's a short pause in response.] For what?

Giving me an answer.

[As if that's just obvious, and not slightly facetious.]

[That's... a little odd.]

... of course.

[You can probably tell he's been wanting to ask this; he's just going to take the opportunity to slip it in casually. As if it's just about this particular exchange.]

Are you alright?

Better than I was.

[Cagey answer, but the detailed version would be long. He assumes Wilson can appreciate that.]

[He's right in that assumption.]

Well... at least it's trending in the right direction.

Guess so.

[There's an odd clicking noise at the end, like chase is deliberately clipping his words short.]

Chase...

[There's obvious concern creeping into his voice. Whether or not Wilson can relate, that's a bit worrisome. He understands not wanting to talk about certain things - things that you just don't have a way of coping with, a way of reacting to - particularly right now, but he hasn't found it to be anything but destructive, personally. Nor does he think anyone else should do that. He pauses for a moment, sighing. He's weighing things... his instincts, his own experience... before deciding how to approach it.]

I know that, where we are, there's only so much that can really be accomplished by talking about things, but... keeping up a facade of normalcy, refusing to acknowledge what you're feeling, to others or to yourself? I... don't think it remains a practical coping approach for long. And, yes, I realize that we haven't always had the greatest track record here, and that right now it may just be that it's me, but... well. I just hope that you do have someone you can talk to.

[He's Wilson. Obvious concern is his stock-in-trade but, much like with Cameron, Chase doesn't often find it directed toward him and it's always that bit harder to know how to take when it is. This time, Chase doesn't snap anything back too quickly, hesitating to rub a hand across his face or push it back through his hair before responding, with a weight to his tone that for once isn't just brushing things off.]

I'm not in denial about it. And it's not you. I'm just struggling to see how going over my feelings on what little I remember is going to take the weight off my mind and not just... lay it on someone else's. The less said, the quicker everyone forgets it.

[Except him, maybe.]

[That's about what he was expecting; there's a pause before he manages to say anything, pursing his lip and glancing aside from the device, considering his approach before he speaks again.]

I didn't mean to imply that you were in denial, it was a hypothetical. But... I'm sure there are people who would be more than willing to take on some of that weight for you, if it would help you.

[He pauses, changing course and his tone shifting slightly - no less worried, of course, but more of a tone that implies that he's trying to lay out his cards as clearly as he can right now. Even if it means being slightly more transparent about his own issues than he'd like.]

Look, I'm just concerned, because... in the long run, it can wear on you, keeping up a face for the sake of everyone else. Obviously, you would know better than I do whether or not you're able to get past it, to cope with it, on your own. But if you're worried about everyone else getting past it, getting over it, to the point that you're not worrying about yourself... that's not any better to the people who care about you. Nobody would want you to internalize everything and suffer alone for their sake -- if you are.

[Those conditionals are important and carefully stressed, an effort to keep him from coming off as too authoritative.]

[Though Chase is willing to be open, to a degree - this is something he's aware he hasn't seen through alone, and Wilson probably has as many blurred memories and absent days to sort through as he does - there are certain things they don't have in common, and he isn't backwards about pointing that out.]

I don't know, Wilson. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't be interested in blowing some guy in the hospital showers. Is it okay to worry more about how other people get past that?

[The sigh that follows is closer to a growl. Frustration with himself, the situation, not really with the questions Wilson's asking.]

I feel like I've been roofied by a parasite. It would be easier to get past if half the city didn't seem to know more about what it's been doing with me than I do.

[Wilson really does not want to play the Let's Compare our Traumas game. He's not eager to point out other ways in which their experiences differ - like the fact that Wilson still wasn't quite over having come back from the dead a few months prior when he was possessed.]

Of course you can be more concerned about other people. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't neglect-- ignore your own feelings entirely.

[He pauses, sighing.]

And the infestation was widespread enough that the entire City understands that you weren't yourself. Would you feel better if you knew everything?

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[45th consult; voice]

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